My Greatest Blessing

For those of you who haven't taken a pregnancy tests in your life, this is a negative pregnancy test. Of the 100's of tests I have taken, this is the only result I have ever seen because I suffer from unexplained female factor infertility. 

I don't like the term unexplained because it doesn't actually mean anything. What we know for sure is that I have PCOS. Unless I am on medication to induce a period, I don't get periods. We have tried lots of different medications but my body has decided that it only wants to ovulate when it wants to. 

We took a month off while we were being transferred from our regular OB/GYN to our reproductive endocrinologist. In that month off I did ovulate without any medication. I didn't ovulate any of the cycles with the fertility specialist. 

The tricky thing with this is that it means I technically could get pregnant at anytime. 5 years of no birth control and it hasn't happened, but if the stars align and I actually ovulate, BAM! I will say that we are not actively trying to have a baby of our own but aren't taking any measures to prevent it.

At one point, this single line was a horrific reminder of what was missing in my life. This single line was a reminder of everything I couldn't do. I won't go into the details, but infertility caused pain like I had never felt before in my life. It was like a death. It was the death of a dream I had had for as long as I could remember. 

That pain is gone now. You see, I no longer mourn my infertility. As a matter of fact, I consider it my greatest blessing.

Had I been able to have my own children, foster care would have never even been on my radar. I would never have even considered adoption as a realistic option. It sounds nice to talk about, but I would never have actually done it. I would have never known this crazy and amazing world.

Of course, I will never get to experience breast feeding, gender reveals, and feeling my baby move inside of me. Although people who don't get to experience foster care will never know the absolute JOY that fills you when you sit in a court room and a judge spells out your child's name with your last name behind it. Never know what it is like when you actually forget you didn't give birth to this child that is so completely yours in every way... minus that DNA stuff. Never be able to understand how hard you fought and advocated for your baby and know that it wasn't in vain and that you now never have to worry about someone taking them away from you. You can also never comprehend how mixed your emotions are when you are so happy for a child to go back to parents who have worked so hard and deserve their baby back but also that a piece of your heart is leaving with that child. 

I may never get a positive pregnancy test, and that is ok. I have mourned this loss and it no longer holds power over me because I got to experience more than I could have ever dreamed. 

Never Fails

It seems that the moment life slows down and I decide that I am ready to start blogging again, life gets turned upside down. 

So about 3 weeks ago I had court for Little Girl. It wasn't supposed to be a big hearing and I suppose it wasn't when all things were said and done. It was more an overall feeling.

We got a new judge, attorney general, and case worker. While the overall case plan didn't change from severance, the feeling in the court room did. What was supposed to be a slam dunk case was suddenly filled with a lot of gray area and doubt. After speaking with the guardian ad litem (Little girls attorney), she told me that the case isn't over, but we need to prepare ourselves to possibly lose her. 

Of course, I was devastated. I called Mark and broke down. I just always allowed myself to picture forever with her and that may not be the case. I know it is foster care and things like this happen, but I just wasn't expecting it. So I went home to be depressed and mope around. 

I am not home 5 minutes when I get an e-mail from our licensing worker. Before it has even loaded on my phone she is calling. She apologized for the e-mail and call back to back but said she had an urgent matter that couldn't wait. 

A situation had come up. Something that doesn't happen often. Within our agency a child, who is available for adoption, needs a home. Now this happens all the time. This isn't the unusual part. The unusual part was this child was a 15 month old baby girl. Typically, when a child comes available for adoption and they need to find a home, they are 7 years or older. 

She ran through the information she had an then apologized because she needed a decision ASAP. I asked if I could take 5 minutes to discuss things through with Mark. She said yes but call or text her as soon as we have made a decision. This child is going to be placed fast. 

Well, let me introduce you to my daughter. 

I apologize for the early morning no make-up face and the messy toy room in the back. What can I say? This is my life.

It all happened very quick. We got a few introductory visits and then before I knew it, she was in our home full time. She is adjusting beautifully and should be adopted early next year. 

Meet the Placements

As I mentioned, we have had 9 placements total. The only one that I can show you the face is our adopted son, Austin. I do have fun stories and lessons learned by all our placements and so it might help if you know who they are. 

I give all our placements nicknames. I will admit, they are completely ridiculous names and require almost to creativity, but they work and allow me to talk about the kiddos without compromising their identity. As our numbers increase, I may need to get a bit more creative. 

Here we go in chronological order:

Little Guy- This of course, is Austin. His namesake is simple. He was a little guy and still is. While he fluctuates slightly, he is normally in the bottom 15 percentile across the board. 

Big Brother- This of course is Austin's big brother. I warned you... these names were super complex. He came to us as an 8 year old. He lived with us a total of 5 months.

Sunshine- This was an almost 3 year old boy. He was with us for just barely over a month. He was able to reunify with his father. His name came from his appearance. Have you ever seen Remember the Titans? Spitting image. 

Chunk- I can't talk about our Chunk without getting emotional. Chunk is our longest placement that didn't stay forever. He came to us the day after his 1st birthday. I will spare the details, but he was rough. He could barely sit on his own, let alone walk or crawl. He left us a huge chunky (in the best way) toddler. He was with us for 9 months before he returned home. I didn't agree with the judges decision to send him home. I think about him daily. 

Little Girl- This is the girly that broke the boy trend. She was our surprise baby that turned our world upside down. She came to us at 3 months old. She is still with us and God willing, will be here forever. She is chunky, healthy, and just perfect. 

Sweetie Pie- Our shortest placement to date. She was dropped off just after midnight and picked up at 5pm that day. She was a 3 year old girl who I was devastated to see leave. It was one of those unique situations where a child just seems to fit. It was like she had always been in our family. She went to live with her grandma. 

Red- This guy was only with us for 5 days. He was an almost 3 year old boy with red hair. He was a hard placement. He came from some rough conditions and so normal everyday life was hard for him to adjust to. He returned home against the case workers recommendation (supervisor over ruled). 

Itty Bitty- A 2 day old substance exposed newborn boy. He is still with us and is of course... itty bitty. 

If you didn't notice, we only have 8 nicknames yet 9 placements. The reason being Big Brother was a double placement. He was placed with us in November and left in February to a relative. He then returned as a new placement in November after the relative placement disrupted. 

There you have it. That is our crew of kiddos. The pictures aren't the best, but when you can't show faces, your options are very limited. I sure love those little guys though.

Our 1st Placement - Part 2

Welcome back to the story of our first placement and eventually, our first adoption. When I last left you, I was on the freeway off-ramp with a slip of paper with the details I needed to go pick up our first baby. If you need to catch up, you can check out part 1 HERE. 

The drive to the hospital felt like it took an eternity. In reality, the drive only took about 15 minutes. The hospital was only about 5 minutes away from my office, so I was very familiar with the area.

I arrive and realize, we didn't make any arrangements on where to meet once I got to the hospital. No problem. I can just call the case worker and let her know I am here. Small problem... in the excitement, I wrote her number down incorrectly. When I called the case worker, it was a fax machine. 

Now the hospital that we are at is not a nice one. This is in an area of town that you would not want to be alone in at night. So I realize that hanging out in the parking lot to wait for the case worker is not a very smart idea and even then, it is a large hospital with multiple entrances. Also, I don't have the babies name or anything so I can't go to the nursery and just say that I am here for this baby. 

While I am talking with the front desk and running around like a crazy person, she happens to walk in and I notice the DES badge. I introduced my self and she was very nice, but very business. This is really happening. She is here and I am going to be leaving with a baby. 

As I said, she was very business like. She came in with a list of things we needed to do. The first of which was stopping by security. She informed me that despite multiple efforts, they hadn't been able to make contact with the birth mother and so she may be there and she may not be aware we are taking her son. 

Wait... what?!? Rewind that. Let's break that statement apart. So first off, we need to get armed security to pick up this child. Secondly, the mother might be here and doesn't know she isn't leaving with her baby. Third, son?!? I am here to pick up a baby girl. Is this still a newborn? Why is he in care? 

Now all of those things are things I would have addressed had my adrenaline not been pumping like a crazy woman. So all I said was, "no problem". Not your finest moment Renee. Note to self- maybe ask a couple of questions when picking up a human life that you will be responsible for. 

We had no clothes with us since I was leaving and
  had no idea the age or gender we would get. Our
preemie left in the hospitals finest freebies.

So the armed security guard, the case worker, and myself make the walk upstairs. We stop at the nurses station and she hands over the documentation and her information. The nurse behind the counter gives us the news that the mom had left already. She had been checking her messages and knew we were coming. I am not going to lie, I was relieved. I knew I would have to face her someday, but I was glad it was not that Monday night while I walked away with her son.

The nurse finishes the necessary information and informs us that she will escort us to the NICU. My heart dropped. Why was this baby in the NICU? What had happened in his short life to land him there? What had I gotten myself into? 

After a long talk with the NICU nurses and the case worker, I got the information I needed to know. The baby had been born Friday. He tested positive for multiple drugs at birth. He was also born premature. They were only working with an estimated gestational age though due to a lack of prenatal care. 

I tried to prepare myself as they walked me to his incubator. Then I saw him. The most perfect baby boy. He was swaddled up nice and tight and sleeping so peacefully. It was official. In that moment, I was a mother. 

Later that night Mark and I walked out of the hospital with our son. Never in our wildest dreams did I believe that this little baby boy would be our son for the rest of our lives. That we would get to adopt this little precious baby boy. 

492 days later, the courts made official what we had known in our hearts since that Monday night. We adopted Austin Russell. 

Our 1st Placement

I have shared some basics about our first placement before, but do you know how hard it is to share information about a foster child without compromising privacy laws? It is hard. So, lets do this again with the full story. 

We were licensed on a Friday. It was a complete surprise to me. You see, once they submit your home study and all your paperwork, it can take awhile. The exact amount of time varies depending on several factors. For us, the average wait time was 10-12 weeks! After already working towards this for over a year, that was a lifetime. 

Building our first crib.

As soon as I got the e-mail, I grabbed my phone and called our licensing worker to tell her to put me on the list immediately. I couldn't believe we would have a child for the weekend. 

Imagine my shock when she told me we wouldn't go on the list that day. She said she still needed to do one final home visit to detail the process. I will admit, I was not happy. As a matter of fact, I think I told her as much. Poor girl.

We scheduled a visit for 8 am Monday morning. I begrudgingly admitted having one last weekend as a family of two would be nice. All I could do was dream about the child that would be in our home as early as Monday. Little did I know, our baby was born that Friday. 

Monday morning, bright and early, our licensing worker was at our house. We went over our age preferences and the details of the placement process. It was short and sweet. Imagine my disappointment when she informed me that she had a couple more appointments before she got back to the office to add us to the official placement list. It was pure torture to think I had to actually go to the office and pretend work while we could become parents at any moment. 

I kept the diaper bag packed and in my car
so that we would be ready at a moments notice.

I got word that we were on the list around noon that day. It was a long afternoon filled with lots of calls for potential children. I think I got 5 or 6 calls for different children. They either found other placements or biological family for the children. 

I started my drive home discouraged when my phone rang. It was an odd call. It was a restricted number and I kid you not, all they said was, "Hey, this is DCS. Did you still want that baby?". 

My mind jumped to the last call we had received. It was a Hispanic baby girl that has just been born that day. Her parents were incarcerated. My heart jumped out of my chest and I nearly screamed at them. Of course I still wanted "that" baby. I restrained myself though and nicely said that I was still interested. I had to sound like a semi normal person to the people that might decide to give me a child, right? The man on the phone told me to get ready because a case worker would be calling me immediately with details of when and where I would be going. 

Before I even made it off the freeway, my phone was ringing again. The woman on the phone gave me the name of a hospital, her name, and a phone number to call her at. Then I was off to pick up my baby!

To be continued...

It's Been Awhile

So, remember that time I had a blog? Apparently I didn't either.

A mix of having zero technical ability and being a new mom meant that this got put on the back burner. Better yet, it got completely ignored and became zero priority. I regret that. Even if not a single person ever reads this, that isn't why I started this. I started this to remember this crazy time in our life.

So, my life has changed a lot in the past however long it has been. A few updates:

- We adopted a baby

- I quit my job

- We took a few placements (current count is 9 placements in 21 months)

- We moved

- We celebrated 5 years of marriage

Those are some of the big highlights of my time away. I am sure there is more. Most of those have a post all of their own. For now though, let me share my official, legal, and amazing family.

Guess What I Got???

Let me begin this with a general disclaimer. No I will never stop using an insane and un-necessary number of "...". I love them and I have no other excuse.

Now on to more pressing matters...

We got a new kid! Yes, that is right. Foster baby #3, who will now be known as Sunshine, is here. The nickname is because he is seriously the toddler version of Sunshine from Remember the Titans. This means he is absolutely adorable. Want to see a picture? Well I can't show you that, but I can show you this:

Imagine this with HUGE brown eyes and 2 years old.

 

I will share more soon, but for now we are getting settled in.